Adrift...

...that sounded horribly whiny...

How perspective's change in two years...

Maximum withholding is a good thing. I just finished our taxes earlier today - we'll be getting a big chunk back - I could get used to this "dependents" thing! Now, if only I could get used to the diaper-and-feeding schedule!

Laura's happy, which is good. But why she's happy... well, it isn't. She took the little ones up to her parents' place on Monday. We've talked a couple times a day, and I miss the three of them like nuts... but today she called and said, out of the blinking blue, that she thinks we should move back up there, permanently. I cannot begin to express my feelings. It came as a shock when she said it, but after thinking, I'm not surprised she thought it up. But for the love of St. Peter, why the hell couldn't she wait to come home and talk about it face to face? Why act like I could pack up the entire house on Friday, buy a new one in Boston on Saturday and be all moved in by Sunday? Christ, there's times that I just want to... I don't know what, but something. Good God Almighty, I can't fucking stand it.

Aside from the fact that we just bought this house less than six months ago, I'm not ready to pick up and leave this job, or my brothers. Not to go to Boston, just to be near her parents, who have shown little or no interest in us up to this point. Damn it all! To hell with moving and to hell whatever tripe her parents have shoved down her throat to make her think this way.

I know what you're thinking. The husband always gives in eventually. Damn it, not this time. I've given in enough, almost everything she's asked for. But I will not stand for this. We agreed that our life would be here, and I will bloody well hold her to that. If she doesn't like it... then go home to mummy and daddy. Her heart hasn't been in this since the morning sickness hit!

And the twins. Damn it... If this is how bad it is when they're six weeks old, how bad is it going to get?????

I got up to check on the wee ones. They're doin' fine, back to sleeping peacefully. I marvel at them sometimes... so small, so fragile, yet so alive and full of potential. Human beings are remarkable. The things we do to each other as adults can be despicable... but we have such possibilities...

Wow, I must be getting maudlin in my married old age. Married. 11 months now. If I said it was all peaches and cream, you could have me comitted, but it's worth every moment of it. Laura, Jamie, Joanna.... my life, my family. Mine. No one else's. Us, together. Do I really belong anywhere else now? Did I ever belong anywhere else at all?

I think about it... and the answer is "yes." I did and do. Greg and the boys gave me a home when I had no other. They're as much a part of me as my children.  And Sean... how I miss you. You meant so much to us all.  For me... you cared, when you didn't have to. You were safety, self-assurance, the confidence to know everything would be fine. The bravest, strongest, best man I ever knew, and ever could. Nothing compares to you, Sean. And I hope you know that we all love you, and that you will be remembered with love, forever. I will make sure that my children will know you, because they'll meet you in the next life; and I want them to know you. They can't help but love you as much as I do.

But what am I doing here? I can't be a father. I'll make so many mistakes... I'm so afraid for them. What if I fail? What if I screw up too badly? Will they be as damaged as me? God, don't let that happen. Give me the strength to be better than I am. For their sake. Don't let me make the same mistakes. Damnit, don't let it happen. Let them be safe, let them have the life they deserve. As free from pain as I can make it. As free from my own faults. Parts of me are missing, and parts of me are dead. Let them be whole.

Where do I begin? Uh, my name's Ben. That's pretty much the only thing in my life that hasn't changed every six months, but sometimes I'm not even sure of that. Even my last name is...complicated. Donovan, Murdoch, Connors... depends on where I am. I was born in Ireland. Northern Ireland to be more precise. But I live in the States now, and have since I was 12 and came to live with my half brothers. That was almost a dozen years ago now, and it's definitely the best half of my life.

And speakin' o' better halves... My better half is called Laura. She's a treasure, a gra mo chroi. We'll be married a year on May 1st. She thought it'd be romantic to be married on May Day. I guess I shouldn't have told her that they used to burn people alive then, but... Oh, well... Re-enacting some of the other old...rituals...on our wedding night was...fun and...educational... <wink, wink, nudge, nudge>. And if she knew I just wrote that, I'd be toast.

But, I guess those rites worked, because our two beautiful babies were born on March 5th. James Samuel and Joanna Eileen. The joys of my life, and the cause of many a sleepless night, probably from now until the day I die.

My wife, my babies, and my brothers are the most important people in the world to me. They make life worth living. Even as feckin' insane a life as I have.

I'll be back in and around here when the fancy strikes, or when I need to vent. 's a good way to keep in touch with my bros. Hiya, blokes! What're ya at?

Slainte,
Benji-o